The place was pleasingly even to the most uncultured eye but more importantly it was relaxing. Palm trees swayed to the soft song of the ocean breeze, stilling just once in a while to admire the beauty of the never-ending sky. The moon was so aesthetically pleasing as it laid ever so graciously on the indigo sky. Constellations in all shapes and sizes studded the night sky, an astrologer’s dream come true. Fireflies flittering here and there gave the place that oomph that to be honest we’re all searching for. But the water flowing so seamlessly and endlessly from the magnificent fountain at the center of the pool, oblivious to the peaceful white noise it was making, was the icing on the cake. It was one of those peaceful nights, where nature gelled together in perfect harmony. A symphony, each part playing its own piece.
Floating in the pool, she also seemed to be one with the night. Her head was back and her usually tensed muscles seemed to relax in the warm water. Every once in a while her eyes would flicker and she’d get lost in the beauty of the night sky before drifting back to her thoughts. The moonlight ever so lightly touched her face in a illuminating her prominent features in such a perfect way, she would have passed for an angel. She seemed so serene, one with herself and with the universe. Her Aura was calm and inviting and her gentle smile would have fooled anyone.
If I hadn’t been carefully observing her, I would have missed the frown of her lips that went as fast as it came. But I had seen it, hadn’t I? Or was I just projecting my own problems on an innocent soul? I waited with baited breath to see it again and for a moment I thought I was wrong until I wasn’t. Slowly it came and this time it never left. I watched as her youthful face wrinkled up, her mouth coming into a permanent frown and her body tensing up lightning fast as though that was her default setting and someone had just pressed reset.
As if by intuition I knew exactly what was happening, she was allowing the thoughts and murmurs in her head to outrun her peace. The assumptions of what could be, what could have been and what could never be raided her like a storm. Her eyes shot open and as she stared at the indigo sky I knew that just like me she was willing the universe to tell her what lay beyond that beautiful night. She, just like me, was imploring for just an inkling of what the future held.
You see, in her mind, she had pictures upon pictures of visions, experiences and moments she had planned out oh so precisely. Every tiny detail was set in stone, nothing would be out of place. Each and every milestone, name it she’d already planned it. She had become so used to the plotting and planning , after all it’s what you have to do when you are pretty much on your own. And she had realized this pretty early in life. She had woken up one day to the realization that unless she did it herself, no one would. That many people were only there when she was winning, when she was securing the bag and catching flights not feelings. But when she broke apart, when life served her lemons and the stars were not aligned in her favor she’d picked herself up, dusted herself down and gotten back into the saddle all on her own. She couldn’t blame them though, everyone was fighting their own battle and even she couldn’t be there for everyone. She had to toughen up and align herself with what she needed, what she thought she deserved.
She’d learnt a hard lesson over the years and it showed from how set in stone her plans were. She couldn’t afford to fail because she wasn’t sure if she would be strong enough to pick herself up again. So she had become a prisoner of her own mind, fear and anxiety of what could be kept her awake all night. Her choices were guided by her fear, her past and her hurt in place of God and her own voice. She was in a darkness that was so full of light but she’d let herself be blinded by her own light by just but a glimmer of doubt and fear.
Afraid of being hurt again and spending sleepless nights thinking of what had been and what could be, she had stopped trusting herself and her instincts, instead she trusted in her set plans. To her they never failed and if Plan A went haywire, there was always Plan B. It was always safer to have a plan, it gave her a sense of control that she desperately craved. She figured that as long as there was always a Plan, she would always have a safe landing. Needless to say, some of her plan B’s also failed but she was always up in arms ready for the next move. Never allowing herself to feel, always wanting to just do. Never allowing herself to Trust, always wanting to control.
I heard a splash that jolted me back from my reverie. I looked to the pool and saw her pulling herself out. She was probably tired of the peace that she’d know for the short time she had been floating and was off to make the next move. I watched her as she put on her robe and grabbed her beach bag. Not even bothering to dry herself, she walked back to the lobby head held high with a twinkle in her eye and a jump in her step. She seemed to get a high from all the plans she was always making. She was ready, ready for the next step. I pictured her in her room with her vision board out drawing and plotting into the wee hours of the night, finally falling asleep when everything was set Plan A, B ,C and maybe even D.
I took a sip of my wine and though to myself, if only she would just surrender.