Surrender

The place was pleasingly even to the most uncultured eye but more importantly it was relaxing. Palm trees swayed to the soft song of the ocean breeze, stilling just once in a while to admire the beauty of the never-ending sky. The moon was so aesthetically pleasing as it laid ever so graciously on the indigo sky. Constellations in all shapes and sizes studded the night sky, an astrologer’s dream come true. Fireflies flittering here and there gave the place that oomph that to be honest we’re all searching for. But the water flowing so seamlessly and endlessly from the magnificent fountain at the center of the pool, oblivious to the peaceful white noise it was making, was the icing on the cake. It was one of those peaceful nights, where nature gelled together in perfect harmony. A symphony, each part playing its own piece.

Floating in the pool, she also seemed to be one with the night. Her head was back and her usually tensed muscles seemed to relax in the warm water. Every once in a while her eyes would flicker and she’d get lost in the beauty of the night sky before drifting back to her thoughts. The moonlight ever so lightly touched her face in a illuminating her prominent features in such a perfect way, she would have passed for an angel. She seemed so serene, one with herself and with the universe. Her Aura was calm and inviting and her gentle smile would have fooled anyone.

If I hadn’t been carefully observing her, I would have missed the frown of her lips that went as fast as it came. But I had seen it, hadn’t I? Or was I just projecting my own problems on an innocent soul? I waited with baited breath to see it again and for a moment I thought I was wrong until I wasn’t. Slowly it came and this time it never left. I watched as her youthful face wrinkled up, her mouth coming into a permanent frown and her body tensing up lightning fast as though that was her default setting and someone had just pressed reset.

As if by intuition I knew exactly what was happening, she was allowing the thoughts and murmurs in her head to outrun her peace. The assumptions of what could be, what could have been and what could never be raided her like a storm. Her eyes shot open and as she stared at the indigo sky I knew that just like me she was willing the universe to tell her what lay beyond that beautiful night. She, just like me, was imploring for just an inkling of what the future held.

You see, in her mind, she had pictures upon pictures of visions, experiences and moments she had planned out oh so precisely. Every tiny detail was set in stone, nothing would be out of place. Each and every milestone, name it she’d already planned it. She had become so used to the plotting and planning , after all it’s what you have to do when you are pretty much on your own. And she had realized this pretty early in life. She had woken up one day to the realization that unless she did it herself, no one would. That many people were only there when she was winning, when she was securing the bag and catching flights not feelings. But when she broke apart, when life served her lemons and the stars were not aligned in her favor she’d picked herself up, dusted herself down and gotten back into the saddle all on her own. She couldn’t blame them though, everyone was fighting their own battle and even she couldn’t be there for everyone. She had to toughen up and align herself with what she needed, what she thought she deserved.

She’d learnt a hard lesson over the years and it showed from how set in stone her plans were. She couldn’t afford to fail because she wasn’t sure if she would be strong enough to pick herself up again. So she had become a prisoner of her own mind, fear and anxiety of what could be kept her awake all night. Her choices were guided by her fear, her past and her hurt in place of God and her own voice. She was in a darkness that was so full of light but she’d let herself be blinded by her own light by just but a glimmer of doubt and fear.

Afraid of being hurt again and spending sleepless nights thinking of what had been and what could be, she had stopped trusting herself and her instincts, instead she trusted in her set plans. To her they never failed and if Plan A went haywire, there was always Plan B. It was always safer to have a plan, it gave her a sense of control that she desperately craved. She figured that as long as there was always a Plan, she would always have a safe landing. Needless to say, some of her plan B’s also failed but she was always up in arms ready for the next move. Never allowing herself to feel, always wanting to just do. Never allowing herself to Trust, always wanting to control.

I heard a splash that jolted me back from my reverie. I looked to the pool and saw her pulling herself out. She was probably tired of the peace that she’d know for the short time she had been floating and was off to make the next move. I watched her as she put on her robe and grabbed her beach bag. Not even bothering to dry herself, she walked back to the lobby head held high with a twinkle in her eye and a jump in her step. She seemed to get a high from all the plans she was always making. She was ready, ready for the next step. I pictured her in her room with her vision board out drawing and plotting into the wee hours of the night, finally falling asleep when everything was set Plan A, B ,C and maybe even D.

I took a sip of my wine and though to myself, if only she would just surrender.

SAYŌNARA MI AMOR😘

Have you ever lost something? Something that you desperately needed, that you could not live without? Do you remember how hard you looked, the desparation you felt when you couldn’t find it? 😩Did you look through the trash, digging out things that were meant to be buried forever? Did you open all the closets and let out everything that you thought you’d never see again? How did it feel, when no matter how much you tried or what you did, you still couldn’t find what you were looking for? Did you feel the walls closing in and the floodgates opening unabashedly as you slowly slid to the floor drifting in and out of conciousness, clutching onto that last straw? Did you feel in yourself that you’d never get it back, that there was no use trying anymore? Did you eventually find it or did you die trying?

I lost someone this week. Someone who literally knew me inside and out, cover to cover. Someone who I’d told all my deepest and darkest secrets, actually she’d gone through all these things with me. She had been there through it all, at my highest and lowest, she had always held my hand, whispered that it was okay and we’d faced it together. When I needed a shoulder to cry on or when I needed someone to binge with she was always one call away. She was or maybe still is the glue that held me together when I was almost falling apart. She always reminded me to be strong and confident. To face everything head on and to never ever let myself go. When I broke down, she’d wipe my tears and hold me until I slept, her heartbeat was the sound that lulled me to sleep so many times. She was there through it all,my first mini heartbreak🙄, when I was offscourned by my very own blood, when I cut my fingers trying to pick up the broken pieces and even when I was dancing with the devil. She had never turned her back on me. She knew when I needed to be away from all the noise, when I just needed to have a cry and even when I needed to laugh it out, she’d hold my hand and let me laugh my heart out. She was the best.

I lost her earlier this week. I was in bed when I felt it. I felt her slipping away, slowly like a thief, she blended with the shadows.I tried my best to hold on to her to absolutely no avail. I tried calling her name but my throat was constricted, I couldn’t get a word out. I tried my best believe me I did, to hold on but she was too strong she’d always been, I couldn’t stop her. In those few minutes, I knew what loss meant. I knew what it felt to lose someone who you can’t live without. I was motionless for a while, still trying to come to terms that I no longer had it together. Deep down I knew that she didn’t want to leave, but she had to. Why? I have no idea. Maybe she needed to go find herself so she can help me find myself.

As I write this, I’m still wondering if she’s ever going to come back. If its all just a prank and she’s just waiting to jump out and scare me. But deep down I know the truth, she needed to go. It was time I stopped relying so much on her strength and wisdom. It was time to start chewing for myself. I really pray that I find her one day, that we can reconnect and she’ll tell me exactly why she had to leave.  But for now I’m still coming to terms that I’ve lost my better self and it’s probably for the best. Just like I let go of my baby doll when I was ten, I’m letting her go. It’s high time we both got  fresh start. I don’t promise that I will be okay, that I wont think about her each and every day because God knows that’s all I have been thinking about. All I can promise is that I will try, a thousand times again.

 

Sayōnara il mio amore.

♥️

I WONT BE THE ONE FIGHTING!

IT,

I call out ITS name in a whisper,

Willing myself to forget,

Begging the universe to take IT away,

Just like IT took away,

Everything,

That ever mattered,

My very breath and,

All that I held dear,

I remember the first time,

It was as if IT had fallen from heaven,

Like God himself had placed IT in my lap,

And for a while IT helped,

Block out the voices,

Voices that held me down,

Haunting me day and night,

IT took away the pain,

Pain so raw and real,

IT gave me hope,

And a sense of Security,

A nibble here,

A nibble there,

Left me numb and my tears dried up,

It was great whilst IT lasted,

Until like Judas, IT turned ITS back on me,

The one thing I once ran to,

I was now running away from,

IT became my worst enemy,

Out to get me,

Don’t think I didn’t hear,

I did,

Don’t think I didn’t feel,

I did,

Sticks and stones may have broken my bones,

But the words,

The words cut deep into my soul,

Broke me more than stones ever could,

I thought IT would finally leave me alone,

Once IT got what IT wanted,

But like a parasite, IT sucked on

Sucking the life out of me,

Licking up every last drop,

Then suddenly IT stopped,

And in that moment,

I thought I finally had a chance,

To break loose of the chains,

To be free,

But it was all a facade,

Wasn’t it,

I was still YOUR puppet,

Wasn’t I?

YOU were still pulling the ropes,

Aren’t YOU ever satiated?

Haven’t YOU had enough?

It’s been a while though,

Since YOU came by,

But I know YOU are still there,

Lurking in the shadows ,

Like a hunter bidding his time,

This time though,

I’ll allow YOU to consume me,

Completely and wholly,

Do your worst,

Because I won’t be the one fighting.

Of Mending Broken Hearts ♥️

As the car finally came to a halt, I took a deep breath and told myself to keep it together. I couldn’t break down this early. I opened the door and stepped out as gracefully as I could. The sun was warm on my skin but that did little to soothe my nerves. Unexpectedly, Noah’s Ark was in good shape. The lawns were well manicured ,the flowers potted all over the compound were in full bloom, the birds chirped happily and the trees swayed to the rhythm of the wind blissfully unaware of the turmoil building up inside me. The ambience was calm and soothing, a stark opposite to what I was feeling.

It had been 15years since I had left this place, vowing never to come back. They had called over the years but my heart had long hardened. After all, how much must you give of yourself before you’ve given all of yourself. I had kept my word heartless as it may seem, it had been time to move on and drop the dead weight. Yes dead weight may seem like a far stretch but in that moment 15years ago, when I could finally breathe, it was the perfect description.

What had driven me back? Guilt. I had been tossing and turning all night for several days in a row and I knew deep down that I had to go back, if only for a fraction of a second just so that I could catch a glimpse of his face. I had tried so many times to talk myself out of coming but I had run out of time and excuses. It was now or never.

The manager welcomed me in with a warm smile and after chatting with me for a bit, she must have realized that I was too anxious for small talk , she sent some one to get him. Once again,I was a bundle of nerves, my stomach in knots and a thin film of sweat was forming on my forehead. Deep breaths! Deep breaths! I kept repeating to myself. I was seriously considering just calling it quits and heading back home when a soft raspy voice called out to me, right there and then I swear I fell apart. I had to grab onto something as I turned around to face the face that had been haunting me each night for the past few months. He seemed to be in shock as he stood still, just calling out my name in that soft voice that was a stark opposite of his normally booming voice. Unable to hold it in any longer, I led the floodgates open. This was it, there was no going back. I couldn’t keep it together to save my life. Tentatively I walked towards him, unsure of what to do. Up close, he looked quite beaten up. He had definitely received the short end of the stick. If his sunken eyes were not selling him out, then it was his thinning hair, prominent bones that had no flesh and generally his defeated demeanor. Deciding to take the bull by its horns, I pulled him close and hugged him like my life depended on it.

I couldn’t help the waterworks and the regret for not doing this sooner. When we pulled away, I noticed that he was also trying to pull himself together. I noticed that we had been left alone to talk in private. I was at a loss for words, all that practice I had been doing in front of the mirror could not have prepared me for this. We sat down on opposites sides of the dainty table in the room and just stared at each other, lost in our thoughts. Thoughts of the past were biting away at my mind. All the pain that he had caused me, the sleepless nights and anxious days waiting for the dreaded phone call to come. I couldn’t help but wonder if it had been worthwhile, did he regret it at all? I struggled with the thought that everything happens for a reason because regardless it was his choice. I remembered all the nights I had begged him not to sneak out, not to hang out with his negative friends, not to drink anymore, to stop smoking and dealing drugs. His answer was always the same, “Stop worrying about me, I’ll be just fine,” And I had believed him blindly.

Often I wondered if things would have been different if I had begged him some more, maybe I should have gone to my parents, or better yet I should have reported him myself before things got out of hand. Most of all, I blamed myself for not being there for him when he needed me the most. I blamed myself for turning my back on him.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered lowly. This startled me from my thoughts and I wondered whether it was really him or the medication that was talking. I started at him willing his eyes to tell me the truth. And that’s when I saw it. Unsurprisingly I knew exactly what it was that look in his eyes was the same look that had been staring back at me in the mirror each and every morning for the past few months .Regret, I saw it and I felt it too. ” I forgive you and I also hope you can forgive me” I whispered back hoarsely. He nodded vehemently in agreement. No more words were spoken, the next few hours were spent in the longest embrace I had ever been in. We were just feeling, allowing ourselves to let go of the past, slowly but surely. A soft knock on the door informed us that it was time to leave. I turned to my brother and kissed him. ” I love you, I always have and I always will,” I told him sincerely.

As I watched him being led to his room, it wasn’t like the last time I was here, this time there was light at the end of the tunnel. Hope that we would live to fight again.

I left Noah’s Ark with a skip in my step that evening. Things were finally looking up and I couldn’t wait to see how it all panned out. All I knew is that we were well on our way to mending our broken hearts.

Of Turning 60!🥳

Hello there,

The year is 2059, May 26th and am turning sixty(yaasss) 🙌🏼 Yes, I know its not a big deal but any reason for celebrating is a big deal for me. Anyways, it’s six am and I am seated on the balcony of my beach house watching the sunrise🌅 and listening to the waves crushing against the sea shore. It’s really peaceful out here and as the sun hits my face, I can’t help but smile, I can finally say I have lived for 6 decades. I am forced out of my peaceful reverie by a sound that I have gotten used to over the last 30 years, my husbands heavy snoring. I guess love truly is blind😂.Thinking about him brings a smile 😊 to my face because of all the beautiful memories we have. I get up and close the doors to the balcony desparately needing a moment to my thoughts. Aaahhhhh! Am back to my quiet still state and all I can think about is God’s goodness. It’s been a rollercoaster for the last 60 years but I would ride it all over again if I could.

Once again something or rather someone breaks my train of thoughts, my daughter. Let’s name her Malika. Malika gives me a bone crushing hug and whispers in my ear, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! I smile at her and count one of my blessings again. She grabs a chair and sits next to me. For a while we both just stare into the horizon each lost in her own thoughts until Malika breaks the eerie but surprisingly peaceful silence. She looks at me and squints her eye like a hunter having caught sight of her prey then asks, ” Mom, what would you do differently if you were my age again?” I look at her and smile, she definitely has a knack for asking people some of the most challenging questions. I think to myself, she’ll make a great lawyer or activist someday. I am really proud of her dauntless disposition, she definitely did not get that from me😉.Before I digress…

I take a moment and think about the question, what would I do differently if I had the chance? That’s a tough one so I have to be careful with my words. I tell her,” Malika, I try my best to live a life of no regrets because I believe we are always learning but what I can tell you is the advice I would give to my younger self,” She nods and I take it as my cue to continue. ” I would tell my 20 year old self that it only gets better. That’s it.  There’s no major advice, mantra or life changing motivation that I would tell my younger self. I would only tell her that it gets better. The catch is that she absolutely cannot give up. Over the last 60 years I have been through so much, both good and bad but one thing that I am grateful for, is that I have never thrown in the towel. My father, your granddad, once told me when I was feeling very low that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. I know everyone says this, but he gave his a twist. He said that morning is not the normal morning we everyday. It’s not daybreak, it’s not when your alarm rings  and neither is it when you say your morning prayers. Morning is when you realize you are strong enough to fight . Morning is when you’re sad, lonely, heartbroken but you still choose to smile and get through the day. Morning is when you’ve fought all day, been on your knees and cried all night but you get up and try again even if it means you have to go through the same thing over and over again. That is what he believed morning was and when true joy will come…” I was cut short when Malika asked me another question.

“Did you always follow his advice?” I laughed at that one, we all know that advice most needed is least heeded 😏so you guessed it right.  ” Do you always follow my advice?” she smirked. ” I tried to follow it as much as I could but it wasn’t always easy. But that’s what I would tell my younger self. I would tell her to hang in there, it all going to be fine. I would tell her to get up and fight no matter how low she gets, I would tell her that as long as she doesn’t stop it will be fine.  On the other hand, I would also tell her to relax  because the things that are truly important and the things that she truly needs will come knocking at her door, she wont have to go looking for them. The things that I cherish most know seemed like mere things back in my 20’s. But Malika, you don’t need to study my history to write your future, everyone’s path is different, enjoy your journey.” She smiled and nodded.

” What I can tell you however is that you are at your peak, your life is just about to start. That shouldn’t worry  or scare you, its all part of the journey. You are going to have really good days, days you’ll wish could go on forever and ever. On the flip side, you are going to have really bad days. Days where you wont want to get up in the morning, days where you’ll question not only your decisions but also your existence on earth and days where you’ll probably have a resting 🙄face. The best thing I can tell you to do is ride it all out. It’s these moments that will shape and mold you into the person you will be 40 years from now. Don’t fight these moments, fight your response to them. When you need a break by all means take it, when you need some time alone take it, when you need to be around those you love invite them over or go visit. Take each day as it comes and always remember that, whether you choose to take the stage or go home do it in a nice pair of red-bottomed heels,” Malika hugged me so tight, I knew I had touched a spot. This is one of the many reasons why I had always wanted to be a mother.

Again I was left to continue with my walk down memory la… ” SURPRISE!!!” I really need to get myself a private room at this rate. The balcony was suddenly flooded with all the people I cherished deeply, my family. My husband, all our eight children( who had come home to celebrate my birthday)and our dog were standing before me carrying a birthday cake ,which I guess was chocolate fudge 😋ready to belt out our family rendition of Happy Birthday. In that moment I couldn’t have been happier. This was my entire word standing right before me…

Well, at least until I was roused from my reverie by the loud knocking on my door and by a dogs obnoxious barking outside my window. I hate it when a dream is so good but you can’t get back to where you left off. 😩Ugggh anyways lemme get on with my life.

In Mary Anne Radmacher’s words, Courage doesn’t always roar,sometimes its the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering I’ll try again tomorrow.”

In the midst of the noise📢

And when the noise is over, a still small voice you will hear- Travis Green

Am in the library, surrounded by all kinds of people. Everyone is busy looking for at least what I hope is a brighter future and not the place where the WiFi connection is stongest😅Anyways, been here for a while immensely regretting why I enjoyed that December holiday so much. But is it really a holiday of you don’t have at least one regret😉. I had my earphones ( how I wish they were AirPods 😫) blasting loud music when Travis Green’s song Be still came on and that’s when it hit me.

I’ve listened to this song on repeat for a long time but today I really felt it. Especially the words I quoted earlier on ‘ when the noise is over…’ I can’t begin to explain how true this statement is. This simple analogy has seen me through times in my life that I felt as though I was so ready to call it quits and it did that for me once again.

You see, as I sat at that very cold library trying my best to focus on what I was doing, my mind was else where and my heart was heavy. As someone who rarely expresses melancholy 😔, when it hits, it hits so hard and sometimes it takes too long( as long as three months)to find my footing again. Before I digress further, my heart was heavy with emotion. I was beside myself with fear and doubt. It’s like a mild level of anxiety where suddenly you’re wondering what the hell you are doing on earth. Is everything you’re fighting for really worth it? Will it mater in the end? Questions flood your mind and if you are unlucky like me, that betrayer of a tear will escape from where you’re struggling so much to hold it in.😢

Why was I sad? I can’t really point it out. Like I said these are emotions that have built up since the last time I cried back in August 2018 and now they have come full force ready to tear down each wall that I had built so high up, afraid to be broken again. I was coming undone and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But the beauty about God, is that he cares. God’s probably the only one who I feel truly cares because He is there even when nobody else notices🙏.

So this song starts playing and I hear it loud and clear, Be still and know that am God. Man, I felt as though I was bipolar because suddenly my spirit was lifted and I could conquer the world again. It hit me that the noise doesn’t even have to be over because, in the midst of all that noise, there’s always going to be a still small voice that will be like a straw of grass that a drowning man clutches on to. Sometimes the voice can be a simple hug from a friend or a distant memory that makes you laugh. But whatever ‘voice’ it takes to get you back up again find it and run with it because sometimes that’s all it takes.🙂

Anyways, I left the library knowing that I’d live to fight again✊🏽

To the ghost of my past👻

Hey you, am glad you’re back. You may want to grab some popcorn🍿, some chocolate wouldn’t be bad( maybe for your waistline 😅)

Am in my room seated by the window, a bar of Bournville Dark Chocolate🍫 in hand, thinking about my past. The soft patter of rain only serves to intensify my emotions. I can feel it gnawing at me. It’s going to be a looong night.

They say Charity begins at home and for me, home is exactly where it started. A nibble here, a nibble there and soon I was in hook, line and sinker( I feel like my Teacher of English😌)

I can’t really pinpoint the moment when it all started, all I know is that once I started couldn’t stop. If I could turn back the clock, am not sure I would let the light defeat the dark. Am pretty sure I wouldn’t change a thing🤷🏽‍♀️

In that time, I was craving independence like a girl on her periods craves a tub of ice cream. I was tired of being controlled, or rather giving other people control over my happiness. Do this, don’t do that, yes, no…etc.I was tired of hearing all that, I wanted to be free and for some crazy reason, It gave me freedom. No one forced me to do it, I wanted it. It gave me the kind of high that keeps you up all night. Almost like an aphrodisiac only not in a sexual way😅.

The very first bite of something is usually the sweetest but for me that was only the tip of the ice berg. It got sweeter with each bite. It made me feel powerful, as if I was superwoman 🦹🏽‍♀️, only a villain version. And the best part of this forbidden fruit was that no one knew about it. It was as though I had an alter ego, the Sasha to my Beyonce. My Beyonce 🧝🏾‍♀️was out here leaving her best life, getting good grades, being awarded for most disciplined, getting positions like ‘Head Girl’ but when Sasha came out to play!! Giiiirrrrl !!You would know she was out🧛‍♀️. I couldn’t explain it, it was one if those things that just happen.🤷🏽‍♀️ It felt like two different people living inside one body. A constant battle of wits between good😇 and evil 👿.

Once or twice or maybe thrice, I let my guard down and the world saw my Sasha. Trust me it didn’t end well(at least for me it didn’t) But that made it more exciting. I wanted to sink myself in this abyss, to drown in it. I wanted it to scorch my skin like a lover and satisfy my thirst like cold water on a hot day💧. I used to think addiction was only for drugs, but this became my drug. It was my life prescription and soon enough I needed a daily dose or, at least a monthly one.

Trust me, I knew it was wrong. I was hurting the people I loved,but it’s like I had no control. In those moments, it wasn’t me. I swear I had no idea who that was. It killed me, yet it made me stronger. A paradox of sorts. It killed me in that it made me numb and filled me with guilt. It made me stronger because it gave me a facade that saw me through the worst moments of my life.😕

But like all good things, it didn’t last. Four / Five years down the line, am like a woman who’s just given birth and all her weird cravings are gone. I no longer feel the need. I guess just like old shoes I outgrew it. Maybe one day I will allow that raw hunger to consume me once more and take a bite of the forbidden fruit 🍎 ( or just eat it whole once and for all) but for now all I can say is adiós viejo amigo hasta que nos encontremos de nuevo.

Was it a good thing? Hell no! I would beat the hell out of my daughter if she tried it😅 Do I miss that life? Of course I do, wouldn’t you? Did I learn anything to tell my future self? Hell yeah!

🌸Not everyone’s gonna be on your side, even those who you thought were never going to leave, that’s life. Find the ones who stayed and cherish them.

🌸If you’re going to fuck up, at least do it well.

Enough said, enjoy your day or night. Whatever it is enjoy it🤗

🥂

In the beginning 😅

Hello, thanks for stopping by🙃

Weeeeh! It has taken me so long to finally write something on this site. I downloaded this stuff a year ago but never really put much thought into it. Like most things in my life I put it on hold🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️Why? Believe me I have no idea. I just never seem to get anything done these days. Even the basic stuff like folding clothes on time🙄.

Let me stop right there before I go on about all the problems that my 19year old self is dying from😂. Gosh I can be so melodramatic, the smallest thing goes wrong (I don’t get a seat on UoN’s morning bus) and suddenly the world hates me, nobody cares, what am I doing on this world🤣Manze it’s a struggle but what isn’t.

Anyways, my name is Miss Y but you can call me whatever you feel like. Am all about the free world stuff✊🏽. I am a broke af 19 year old trying to get to her best future self in one piece. I think am the most true definition of a Gemini ♊️, the stuff I do mehn it leaves me confused and shoook too😅

So welcome to my story, the one place where you are going to find the rawest version of me. It’s scary af because most of these things am going to be writing about I don’t even say them outloud to myself but here goes nothing….😉

Welcome to Life lessons to my past, present and future self🌸


Updates will be whenever I feel like it.😌

Write until your soul is free-MissY

🥂